It Wouldn't Change

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I'm haunted by the maroon aftertaste
That settles to the bottom of my discretion
When my candor turns as unforgiving as bottled treason
Does my self- inflicted ego bruise my prudence?

It wouldn't change, it would've stayed that way
Pass me up for mistakes I never made
You wouldn't understand
The mind of a reverse psychopath

Do the ashes of my rage settle on my aging wisdom?
Does it walk away dressed like over confidence?
I wish my empathy would stop assuming
That I'm the worst part of every thing

It wouldn't change, it would've stayed that way
What do I want to hear? And what do I need to be said?
I'm depending on these people, tying their hands behind their backs
I preached about life's difficulties, but here I am 
Pretending mine take the lead because I don't say anything
Forever afraid to be left behind, I wish for other dreams

Do I pretend these words haven't echoed since that day?
Do I scrutinize my attachment just for accountability's sake?
I've been down this road before, but walked on the other side
Twenty three years of reclusion, because I didn't feel right
I fought endlessly with demons who were actually on my side
These imaginary conversations grew up in the darkest lights

It wouldn't change, it would've stayed that way
I'd love to punish your silence, critique it from a cage
My inner child couldn't fathom I'd be throwing this all away
Because what is attention worth, if it demands trade?

This disillusionment will soon perish, I know to be true
As my misdiagnosis leaves me untethered and rue
I pray fervently that you may be as miserable as me
Anchored by the golden lion and set afloat into the open sea.



-Neha Bhende


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